Critters and more critters


Imagine my delight as I sat down to finish up some rings for shipment this week and opened up my vault of DVDs to discover that I had two more Critters films to watch.  Lucky me.

So tonight I took in Critters 3 in all of it’s glory.  The film is full of flashbacks to the other to Critters films: strike one.  The film is also rated PG-13: strike five.

Perhaps you’re wondering: “What about the local town idiot, Charly?  Is HE in the third film?”   You bet your sweet young life, he is.

Yep. Although in the second Critters we got a chance to watch him crash his spaceship into hundreds of Critters fused into a giant bowling ball whilst screaming “I’m a bounty hunteeerrrrrrr!” (yeah, you read that right) We were totally dismayed when he turns up alive at the end of the film and then literally springs out of the ground at a group of young kids dressed like this ^^^ in the third movie.  Nothing creepy about that!

Plus, this being the third in the series and bearing in mind the audiences need to ‘kick it up a notch,’ the creators of Critters 3 introduce yet another horror-tard to keep Charly company named Frankie.

Franky spends most of the film carrying around a goldfish, talking to himself, and making lovable Italian-American remarks like “AAAYYYEEE!” and “you TOO pal!!!”  Break me off some more of that, right?   On the idiot scale, I think Frankie is slightly ahead of Charly – meaning he’s more ‘together’ and probably doesn’t carve things out of his feces.  Still, it’s a load-off when he finally gets iced.  Truthfully, Frankie really doesn’t fit into that archetype because he’s not meant to be lovable and charming.  He’s kind of a prick.

Another great thing about Critters 3 is that it has Leonardo DiCaprio in it.  He’s just a little kid and doesn’t quite look like himself yet.  It also has that bucket-headed kid who hangs out with Arnold in Kindergarten Cop.  Win-win.

This movie is more of the traditional horror format and less sci-fi.  No 80’s deathrocker bounty hunters in this one and a lack of outer space sequences.  I made some sci-fi laser sounds with my mouth while watching to try to turn that shit up.

This flick was made in 91, so it’s kind of late to the party.  The creature effects were definitely a big step forward, but the PG-13 rating is a hayoooooooge step backwards.  I guess selling this concept to a bunch of paste-eating 13 year olds was an easier play than trying to justify this goofiness to adults or even older teens out on a date night.

“See, baby, in the last two films, the Critters form a critter-ball to try to roll over the church, but Charly stops them with his rocket ship and they all end up eating lettuce….”

Yeah, a date spent watching this film resulted in going home ALONE for sooooo many people.

Still one more to go as well.  I have to say I don’t remember much about Critters 4, so all bets are off.

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